pride is next, i guess...
well...i've been dealing with something for the last week and i'd like to talk it out because it is a source of unrest, and i'm tired. i've been trying to think about how to share this because it involves something a tiny bit personal and a little sensitive. if that will be awkward for you, don't bother reading any further.
so the last couple weeks i have been studying more in-depth on temptation and sin, and the different ways that satan goes about his plan of destroying God's children. and last week one of the lessons in particular dealt with the past. it described the very real possibility of satan using things from our past to gain a foothold on us today through temptations and sins related to those sins or moments of weakness or losses of innocence that have happened to us in our childhood or adolescence... as i read this, something in my heart became heavy and i thought that maybe God had something to say to me about it. so i read on, this time listening more intently with my spiritual ears, if we even really have such things, about how satan can use the tiniest things from our past to develop patterns of temptation and sin in our adult lives, and how we need to let God deal with our past and heal our wounds from the past so that those things will lose their power over us. Bingo. God wanted to heal me from the past...and so i hesitantly began to think about what has happened to me in my past that satan is using today.
well the truth is, i couldn't think of one single thing from my childhood that could be affecting me so deeply today. i thought and thought and simply drew a blank. so i thought, well maybe if i work backwards, i will think of something. and i began to try to think instead of the temptations that are prevalent in my life now. so two of the biggest temptations i came up with that i have struggled deeply with and continue to struggle with are 1) a tendency toward being prideful and 2) seeking unnecessary male attention. (wow, i just laid it all out there, didn't i?)...(don't judge me)
the thing about pride didn't really grab my attention so much as the other did. i felt like God really wanted to say something to me about it. so i began to listen. and as i evaluated my life, i allowed myself to admit that it's true, i have developed patterns of behavior over time that have been very damaging to me and my relationships with God and people. and i began to try to think of when these patterns could have begun to form, but i got nowhere because for as long as i can remember, even into my childhood, i have always preferred being with groups of males to being with groups of females. i have had one or two close girlfriends, yes, but they have been rare, and i have had to fight for those friendships because i have never allowed myself to be completely vulnerable to them...there always remained one or two walls up around my heart.
so i started to think, maybe something happened to me during my childhood. something that i need to heal from, but that happened so long ago, i have erased from my entire memory. and i didn't really want to take that thought any further, but i thought, it might be difficult for God to heal me of something i am unaware of. so i decided, i guess i need to ask God to make me aware of the moment or event or circumstance in my life that led to these behavior patterns. so i prayed that he would.
and i am not kidding you...the very same moment in which i prayed that prayer, i suddenly remembered so vividly a moment from when i was in pre-school. i mean, i must have been like four years old! and i remembered this one moment, when i tried for the first time to make friends at school. this was a big deal because i was super super shy as a girl..i didn't talk to anyone...ever! i was scared of everybody! so, i remember timidly approaching a group of girls during recess at pre-school. in my memory, there were five girls sitting in a circle on top of a picnic table and i asked if i could sit with them....the one girl who was "in charge" said yes and i sat next to her. she told everyone that if we were all going to be friends we had to know each other's secrets, which everyone seemed to agree with. so she decided that everybody in the circle had to show everybody else what kind of underwear they had on.
it's ridiculous that i'm telling you this.
well, i did not want to do that. i was terrified. this is not what i was signing up for. but everybody else did it. it was like a big joke to them, they were all laughing and having a great time, and i was petrified. but i couldn't leave. i was too scared. and then it was my turn. and i said i didn't want to. so this girl reached over and before i could react, she lifted up my skirt and showed all the other girls my underwear...
there is a four-year-old girl inside me right now that is horrified that i'm sharing this moment with you because it is the moment in which she was most humiliated. she was so embarrassed, she got up and ran away and cried and cried and never told anyone what had happened.
and that was the last day i played with the girls on the playground. ever.
and so God led me through that moment that i had forgotten and tucked away deep in my heart, and i cried and cried last week when i remembered it all, and how it felt, and how terrified and embarrassed i was as that little girl. and i asked God to heal that spot in my heart...but the problem is that i have just ached over it since then. that's where the unrest part comes in. i don't have any idea what kind of healing process is supposed to be involved in getting over something that happened 22 years ago. i don't know what to do with this. i trust that God is the healer, not me. and i know He is good, and would not lead me into pain to leave me there. and i trust that He is already healing this hurt from so long ago. obviously a wound that has been left alone over so much time will also take time to be healed.
but i just wonder, what are the implications of this one little moment in my life? i mean, was this even the significant moment i was asking to see and be healed from? or was there something else? could such a tiny event be the cause of such destructive behavior patterns later in life? i don't know. and how do i apply this new-found information to my life now? how can the knowledge of this wound help me to change behavior that could potentially be harmful to me and my relationships with God and loved ones?
just some things i've been mulling over in the last week. any thoughts?
so the last couple weeks i have been studying more in-depth on temptation and sin, and the different ways that satan goes about his plan of destroying God's children. and last week one of the lessons in particular dealt with the past. it described the very real possibility of satan using things from our past to gain a foothold on us today through temptations and sins related to those sins or moments of weakness or losses of innocence that have happened to us in our childhood or adolescence... as i read this, something in my heart became heavy and i thought that maybe God had something to say to me about it. so i read on, this time listening more intently with my spiritual ears, if we even really have such things, about how satan can use the tiniest things from our past to develop patterns of temptation and sin in our adult lives, and how we need to let God deal with our past and heal our wounds from the past so that those things will lose their power over us. Bingo. God wanted to heal me from the past...and so i hesitantly began to think about what has happened to me in my past that satan is using today.
well the truth is, i couldn't think of one single thing from my childhood that could be affecting me so deeply today. i thought and thought and simply drew a blank. so i thought, well maybe if i work backwards, i will think of something. and i began to try to think instead of the temptations that are prevalent in my life now. so two of the biggest temptations i came up with that i have struggled deeply with and continue to struggle with are 1) a tendency toward being prideful and 2) seeking unnecessary male attention. (wow, i just laid it all out there, didn't i?)...(don't judge me)
the thing about pride didn't really grab my attention so much as the other did. i felt like God really wanted to say something to me about it. so i began to listen. and as i evaluated my life, i allowed myself to admit that it's true, i have developed patterns of behavior over time that have been very damaging to me and my relationships with God and people. and i began to try to think of when these patterns could have begun to form, but i got nowhere because for as long as i can remember, even into my childhood, i have always preferred being with groups of males to being with groups of females. i have had one or two close girlfriends, yes, but they have been rare, and i have had to fight for those friendships because i have never allowed myself to be completely vulnerable to them...there always remained one or two walls up around my heart.
so i started to think, maybe something happened to me during my childhood. something that i need to heal from, but that happened so long ago, i have erased from my entire memory. and i didn't really want to take that thought any further, but i thought, it might be difficult for God to heal me of something i am unaware of. so i decided, i guess i need to ask God to make me aware of the moment or event or circumstance in my life that led to these behavior patterns. so i prayed that he would.
and i am not kidding you...the very same moment in which i prayed that prayer, i suddenly remembered so vividly a moment from when i was in pre-school. i mean, i must have been like four years old! and i remembered this one moment, when i tried for the first time to make friends at school. this was a big deal because i was super super shy as a girl..i didn't talk to anyone...ever! i was scared of everybody! so, i remember timidly approaching a group of girls during recess at pre-school. in my memory, there were five girls sitting in a circle on top of a picnic table and i asked if i could sit with them....the one girl who was "in charge" said yes and i sat next to her. she told everyone that if we were all going to be friends we had to know each other's secrets, which everyone seemed to agree with. so she decided that everybody in the circle had to show everybody else what kind of underwear they had on.
it's ridiculous that i'm telling you this.
well, i did not want to do that. i was terrified. this is not what i was signing up for. but everybody else did it. it was like a big joke to them, they were all laughing and having a great time, and i was petrified. but i couldn't leave. i was too scared. and then it was my turn. and i said i didn't want to. so this girl reached over and before i could react, she lifted up my skirt and showed all the other girls my underwear...
there is a four-year-old girl inside me right now that is horrified that i'm sharing this moment with you because it is the moment in which she was most humiliated. she was so embarrassed, she got up and ran away and cried and cried and never told anyone what had happened.
and that was the last day i played with the girls on the playground. ever.
and so God led me through that moment that i had forgotten and tucked away deep in my heart, and i cried and cried last week when i remembered it all, and how it felt, and how terrified and embarrassed i was as that little girl. and i asked God to heal that spot in my heart...but the problem is that i have just ached over it since then. that's where the unrest part comes in. i don't have any idea what kind of healing process is supposed to be involved in getting over something that happened 22 years ago. i don't know what to do with this. i trust that God is the healer, not me. and i know He is good, and would not lead me into pain to leave me there. and i trust that He is already healing this hurt from so long ago. obviously a wound that has been left alone over so much time will also take time to be healed.
but i just wonder, what are the implications of this one little moment in my life? i mean, was this even the significant moment i was asking to see and be healed from? or was there something else? could such a tiny event be the cause of such destructive behavior patterns later in life? i don't know. and how do i apply this new-found information to my life now? how can the knowledge of this wound help me to change behavior that could potentially be harmful to me and my relationships with God and loved ones?
just some things i've been mulling over in the last week. any thoughts?
posted by Amy at 12:06 AM
8 Comments:
Wow Amy, thank you for sharing that. I don't have any words of wisdom but I just wanted to give you a pat on the back for being so brave to share that story with us.
I think we all have equally as painful/embarrassing stories from our past. You have brought some out in me as I read your post. I, too, immediately remembered a moment that I feel has had an effect on me my entire life... and I thank you for bringing that out.. I will need to do some prayer about this topic as well.
This is Lori Alberico, by the way.... :)
wanna give me the preschool girls' names? I'll take care of 'em for you.
Identifying the roots of your feelings is huge. Remember pulling weeds in the front yard and mom or dad checking to see if we got the roots and not just the leaves? There was actually a deep psychological lesson in that. Who knew?
The one thing you didn't mention in your thought process, is the one thing you should add, silly as it seems...
Go back into your memory, as that four year old girl, look each of those girls in the eye and forgive them... pray for them, pray that that same circle on the table is not having adverse effects on them as well.
And my personal opinion (take it as such) is that you were the strongest girl on that playground that day BECAUSE you ran away. I wonder if any of those girls were as petrified as you, but stayed a part of the group because of a different kind of fear. THAT could lead to scary actions or inactions as adults.
ay amiga! siento tu dolor...y a la vez, estoy tan orgullosa de ti, por que compartiste algo muy difícil.
hemos conversado mucho acerca de cómo nuestro enemigo utiliza la mentira y la oscuridad para hacernos pensar que debemos mantener ciertas cosas escondidas, y nunca dejar que otros sepan, ni que debemos molestarle a Dios con esas cosas. pero sólo al sacar nuestros dolores de la oscuridad y ponerlos en la luz, sólo en ese momento puede comenzar nuestra sanidad.
sé que va a tomar tiempo, pero no te canses de rendir este momento de tu vida a Dios...y tal vez este es sólo el comienzo, y Dios lo va a usar para sanar otras heridas en tu vida, ahora que estás aprendiendo a reconocer estas cosas.
te quiero muchísimo, y estoy orando por ti. :)
Wow Amy. Sucks to those girls.
But really, I don't have any event to relate to that, so I don't have any experience in letting it heal.
The only thing that makes sense to me is maybe to work on realizing that the whatever that experience taught you that it isn't always true.
if that even made sense.
Oh and seriously, tell Kevin who they were. He'll take care of 'em for you. At least you were the one smart enough to realize how stupid what they were doing was and stood up for yourself. Good for you. Sorry about the embarrassments though, that just takes time to heal.
I don't know, Amy. Could it be that many females have a tendency, for some reason, to pick on or embarass other females in a way that males do not? Could it be that growing up with brothers (and not sisters) makes you comfortable around guys in a way that some females are not? Could it be that guys in general don't care as much about things that some of us find frivolous or vain? I often would rather listen to guy small talk than female small talk. Maybe it's the part of my brain that likes math and logic. Not that I think all males are logical and females are not. When I was in the first grade, two girls whose names I can't even remember, tricked me into closing my eyes and being led to "a surprise". I thought they were being friendly. The surprise was they opened the door to the boy's bathroom and shoved me in. Major humiliation. There was at least one other very emotionally painful instance (in the 4th grade)that reduced me to tears, where a "friend" just verbally attacked me. In no uncertain terms, with great hostility, she told me exactly why I was a worthless human being. I figured out years later that her issues with me really had nothing to do with me, but more her own emotional traumas. Anyway, I've never had any similar experiences with guys. My dad and my brother (who was 16 years older than I)were my protectors and admirers and encouragers. I had uncles and male cousins who treated me well (and come to think of it, some female cousins who didn't). I think it's good to guestion our own motives in where, and from whom, we seek attention. But maybe your comfort in interacting with guys is a natural response to your life experiences. Not to say that having a really good female friend isn't an amazing blessing. There is some heart to heart communication that can only happen between two females who unconditionally accept each other. I could relate to your post completely. I pray that God shows us exactly what we need to know to grow in His wisdom, understanding and love.
Amy, most of these comments will occur in no particular order or priority.
What does "unnecessary" male attention or companionship (however you said it) mean? Some people get along better with the opposite sex naturally--because of positive and negative experiences. It's not bad, just means you (we) have to grow in a certain direction--towards female friendships--and that this will be more of a challenge than it would be for some.
It's strange that when others wrong us or treat us cruelly, we can so easily respond with shame--as though we had done something wrong. There's real shame--for things we've done wrong--and then there's the shame we feel when others humiliate or mistreat us. We feel stupid for trusting someone, or have a brush with the fear that comes with being vulnerable and getting burned, and we feel ashamed for not being smarter, more invulnerable, stronger, etc. When we feel ashamed, we hide. Stopping hiding is the first step toward healing. Ironically, only when we reveal our shame--which is itself an act of vulnerability--about an experience when vulnerability made us feel unsafe/angry/ashamed do others have the opportunity to help us see this shame for what it really is--false guilt--and help us make something better of even the most humiliating experiences. Most of us need help--God's and that of trusted others--to understand our hurts in new ways.
So the thing about the sin of "pride" is that, while I guess some people really do believe they're next to God, most people who seem prideful or overconfident are really unsure inside and afraid of dropping a hard exterior which has served to protect them and which they fear leaving behind. If the opposite of pride is humility--the root word is humus, or earth, like the dirt of which we are made--then we are called to be human--aware that we're sinners, and that we've been sinned against. And we've all got stories where we felt ashamed, but we don't often share them, so we mostly feel we're alone (we are/I am too busy trying to look well-adjusted to share this kind of stuff, or often don't trust others with the info. It's hard.) So, keep up the good work letting God make you healed and human.
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